Unrequited Love and the Confusion of Mixed Signals.

This post…it doesn’t come with the answers. It is the first post where I can offer no suggestions or explanations, no words of wisdom or experience that has brought clarity to the matter. I have been seeking those things since late teens, when a guy I’d fallen for told me that when I came into a room the sun came out; then in his next breath he said “but I only see you as a friend.”

I grappled with getting over my ex-husband because for 4 years, he said he didn’t know what he wanted but flashed a smile or wiggled an eyebrow – the little gestures he knew always made me weak at the knees when we first met. Sadly, the explanation for those mixed signals came when I tried to break away from him and he acted out so badly that I attempted suicide. I was supported extensively by the mental health team after because I couldn’t tell them that I was happy to still be alive. No-one believed my protestations that he hadn’t been true to his word about things being over. I was an over emotional female who couldn’t cope with the fact that her husband had left.

Finally, in the presence of my mother who had moved in to help with the two children he also walked out on, and to put food into my hands while I sat in a corner like a zombie day after day waiting for it to be bedtime again, a member of the mental health team said what I had been screaming, but said it in clinical terms. I was being coercively controlled, my mental health deliberately undermined so that he had me where he wanted me if it didn’t work out with the young blonde he had got with.

That was 2018, and for many years after mixed signals were not a problem. I had a couple of fleeting relationships with guys I knew I had no desire to be with long term and ended them quickly when they started talking about kids. It's not that I wanted to spend the rest of my life alone, but I was pretty sure I would never be able to unlock my heart again. In 2022 I met someone who initially I tried to put off when he kept looking for my attention. Slowly I was reeled in by his charisma, and I started to imagine a relationship again.

What I didn’t know was that he wasn’t available. I’m not convinced that he remembered that fact when he was away from his partner. It seemed to be a very strong case of out of sight out of mind where he was concerned. I walked away without any difficulty and later decided that he had been a “safe” crush who I’d never really been invested in to begin with.

Lots of guys caught my eye, but as my dad had said about my ex-husband after the dust had settled and I could handle such flippancy, I was only interested in eye candy. Just to brag for a moment, the ex was definitely that. We could walk through a shopping centre and even the OAPs would turn their heads to look at him. When I took him to the first family gathering, my uncle took one look at him and said, “You look like something out of a boy band.” At the time I thought he was out of my league. I can look back now and say we were quite evenly matched then, and seeing how he has aged I know there is no question about who is out of who’s league now! So, I was more than content to admire from afar and maybe have the occasional dalliance as is my right as a modern woman even if my Catholic upbringing would say otherwise.

And then there was him. I was aware of him and thought he was cute, but he did seem to be a bit arrogant which for me always cancels out any attractiveness. Still, we were often in the same place at the same time because of the circles we moved in. One night I arrived unexpectedly at a location in a distressed state because I’d been with friends who’d had a falling out. The tension was palpable and I am highly sensitive to such things. I made an excuse to leave without indicating anything was wrong, but practically fled from their bad juju feeling quite shaken. And when I got to the unplanned location he was there.

Initially I buried my head in my phone and played sorting games to regulate myself. The vibe was very different, not only from the place I had left but from the usual atmosphere of this venue. As I was becoming aware of this, I realised that I was calm. I was possibly calmer than I had ever been, being someone who had functioned on alert from quite a young age. And when I raised my head to take in my surroundings, my eyes fell on him. He was different that night too. He was more calm and sedate than I’d ever seen him, and it made me see him in a totally new light.

I found myself thinking about him when I was away from the places where I normally saw him. I found myself asking a mutual connection about him.

Once a thought is spoken, it grows arms and legs. It takes a hold elsewhere in your body where it had previously been contained in your head.  It affects your decisions.

More and more, I was drawn to where I knew he would be, and one night I found myself approaching him to introduce myself, saying something about seeing him around so much I thought I’d say hello. The next week we spoke enthusiastically but between one thing and another, we never had another conversation again, just some fleeting exchanges on a very odd occasion. I recognised that same calmness when he was around, depending on what else was going on. I don’t mind admitting that it was addictive. It took me a long time to figure out that he was somehow responsible.

It seems weird to say, but in my mind, we had a quiet understanding of one another. Our larger friendship groups all acknowledged one another and had those fleeting exchanges as we passed each other’s spaces or saw one another leaving or arriving. I still battle with myself as I sit here typing whether or not it is my imagination, but I felt that we always checked on each other, glancing over to see each was still there and what they were up to at that second. I even believe there were glances that lingered into a little bit more on both sides, both of us trying to appear casual and not particularly interested in where our eyes had landed.

My nature is very outgoing and flirtatious so in the safety of numbers I would be flirtatious with him. If friends were not around, I was almost the polar opposite, scared to catch his eye in case I gave away that I wasn’t just around by accident anymore. Once in a while I was brave enough to approach him and say goodbye when my time had come to pack up and leave. There was the odd time where he paid me a compliment, something I’m sure was very out of character for him, usually on my outfit.

I can’t say how it happened, but a situation arose where we had cross words. I really don’t think he saw it that way but as you can imagine, I am quite reactive to disrespect from men, especially men I have developed feelings for against my better judgement. So again I did a 180 and actively stayed away from where I knew he would be.

Sometimes I had to be in the vicinity but went to lengths to stay out of his line of vision and keep him out of mine. Six weeks passed like this, which brings us very close to the present day, and finally I had stopped thinking about him. Staying away had become something I didn’t have to work on because I had a new routine. That’s why it really took me by surprise when I came back to my table one day to see him standing smiling at me, seemingly wanting to have a conversation.

I’m not proud of my reaction but I do stand by it. I drew him a filthy look and turned away. It’s still upsets me that I treated someone in that way, but since he had definitely instigated the cross words I was determined he saw that I didn’t accept being disrespected or disregarded. My bubbly persona doesn’t define me but he couldn’t know that as it’s the only side of me he’d ever seen. I have felt an anger that took me completely by surprise when I think of his face standing there honestly expecting me to be happy to see him, to talk to him.

Although I still try and be in spaces where he isn’t, we are around each other from time to time and although I’m still angry - especially that it took withdrawing my attention to get a reaction – I do feel myself softening again. And only a few days ago, I found us back in situation where we were glancing over to check on each other. I blamed him, and it’s true to say that he had to make more effort to see me from his workstation whilst I only had to glance up to see what was happening at his post. The fact of the matter is that I saw him look which means that I was looking at him too. And it might even be the case that we held gazes for just an instant all over again.

So now I’m back to trying to figure out what it all means. I’m back to trying to answer the question of how far his interest in me goes. I’m back to trying to understand that connection that has had a hold on me since that fateful night I fled in distress and somehow was calmed in his presence. The brief respite I found in those weeks after his actions repelled me was short lived and I’m back to questions I don’t have the answers to.

I don’t like it. I don’t want it. I really don’t think I see him the same way anymore and I can’t decide how I feel when we’re occupying the same space. I just know that I’m plagued by thoughts of him that don’t feel as pleasant as they once did and I don’t think they’ll go away until I have the answers that are eluding me. Dear reader, can you tell me where I’ll find them?