The Future

I bought a calendar today, which is kind of a big deal.

I didn’t realise it at the time, but as the movie I was watching finished and I turned my attention to filling out upcoming events in my new acquisition, it dawned on me. I am looking forward to stuff. That hasn’t happened in a long time.

In November last year I began counselling. On the second session I told the counsellor that I was too broken to fix. I told her I had no faith the process was going to work. I told her I’d rather not exist.

I asked my friend how he could possibly have bought tickets for an event almost a year away. I declined invitations to anything that was more than a week or two away because I couldn’t see a future beyond then. Throughout 2018, I slept for at least 14 hours a day. Only my children gave me a reason to get out of bed. When they slept, I slept. When they were at school, I slept. Sometimes, even though they were at home and awake, as long as their needs were met, I slept.

I couldn’t tell you what the counsellor did. I have no idea how the process worked. All I know is that in week four I had the first breakthrough and things started to get better.

In four short months, I was ready to live again. For four quick weeks, I have enjoyed being back in full time employment. It has been around 10 years since my last full-time job and I hadn’t worked at all for nearly three years. I did study for 2 of those years, but as the second year began my mental health declined to such a level that I have no idea how I achieved my HND. I felt it was a miracle that not only had I passed the course, but that I had also received an A pass for my graded unit.

Somewhere in the four months where everything turned around, there was the realisation that it wasn’t a miracle. I had done it. My skills and talents earned me the A and the HND. I had also cared for my kids despite my health being at an all time low. Even though I was at a real crisis point, I had still managed to make sure they were okay.

Right before the crash, my physical health was better than it had been for a long time. A year of not much more than sleeping and eating has reversed that but mentally I feel strong. Physical ill-health is much easier to overcome, and I am getting ready to take that battle on.

My children have adapted so well to the huge change in our lives this last month. I am so proud of them. I’m so proud of me because I finally realise all these things didn’t happen on their own. I’m fully aware that I still have limitations – but for the first time in my life I am also aware of my strengths and my worth. I want to thank the friends and family who helped me make it to this point. I can’t say how grateful I am to the counsellor who got me to this wonderful place where the future, at last, is bright.